Surrender.

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: 

it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." - C.S. Lewis

There has been a battle raging within my Self, causing me to be stressed, frustrated, depressed, and discouraged. I have been torn between what I thought I wanted, and what I was made for. I've been running. Maybe it's not as noticeable on the outside, but those close to me have noticed my struggle. I knew that I was not at the place with God that I wanted to be, and that I should be. I felt stuck and not sure how to express the pressure I was feeling.

For eight years, I have been writing songs and performing at various venues. Also during that time, I have been leading worship at my church and other churches. Sometimes they seemed to be two separate things, like I was bouncing back and forth. I haven't felt the freedom to fully be either one. In the past few months, I've questioned my motives, wrestled with unrealistic expectations, and wondered what I'm really here for.

A few months ago, I decided to get a "real" job, and re-evaluate. I was in the work force for exactly a month, and then went back to playing music full time. The day before I lost my job, my car was rear-ended and almost totaled. It was almost surreal, having things happen to me back-to-back as if I was just watching, realizing that I'm not in control. I know that God orchestrates everything for His glory, and I am seeing more of the big picture as I look back on the situation. He put me in the job for a reason, and brought me out of it for a reason. He allowed me to be in that wreck, and showed me how much He takes care of me and provides for me. My hope was not in my job, or my car. Those are things that can come and go at any time. God allowed me to see how vulnerable I am, and how much I need Him.

A great piece of advice was given to me recently: Find what brings you the most joy and gives you peace, that thing that makes you feel alive. Embrace it, and you will find fulfillment. That peace that we all long for is found in God. If we embrace His will for our lives, and walk in His ways, there is an unspeakable peace and joy that fills our hearts. EVERY time I try to make something happen, my plans fail miserably. But with God on my side, all things are possible.

Life is a journey. I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future. He has revealed pieces of the mystery of Himself, and given me the chance to take His hand to watch what He does. Wherever He leads, I'll go. He is teaching me not to rely on things and circumstances to make me happy. Material things and worldly accolades will only leave me empty. I choose to be content with where I am and who I am. To enjoy the present, I must realize that it is a gift. The biggest relief is that it's not about me. The story's ending is already written, and it ends with victory. 

This song gives me reason to sing:

Oh Lord my God
When I in awesome wonder
Consider all the worlds
Thy hands have made
I see the stars
I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power throughout
The universe displayed

And When I think that God, 
His son not sparing, 
Sent Him to die,
I scarce can take it in;
That on the cross, my burden
gladly bearing He bled and died 
to take away my sin
When Christ shall come
With shout of acclamation
And take me home
What joy shall fill my heart
Then I shall bow
With humble adoration
And then proclaim My God
How great Thou art


Then sings my soul
My Savior, God, to Thee
How great thou art
How great thou art
Then sings my soul
My Savior, God, to Thee
How great Thou art
How great Thou art